Imposter Syndrome

I'm sitting here in front of my photos folder, realizing that some of the photos I had in mind to post here are actually quite outdated now.

Peter is a giant almost-5-year-old, Michael is coming to the end of his toddler days, and our little smiley Jack is definitely not a newborn anymore. How did that happen?

Lately I've been looking around in amazement and wondering how I got to this stage in life.

I recently read an article about "Imposter Syndrome." According to the all-knowing Wikipedia:

The impostor syndrome, sometimes called impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome, is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments. . . 

Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.

This beautifully sums up what I've struggled to express since Peter was born. Not that I think I'm a terrible mom, exactly, (although there are days...) but I've never quite gotten over the feeling that I'm still that awkward 14-year-old girl.

I feel like I'm faking it. Like I'm pretending. I don't feel old enough to have three kids and a mortgage and a minivan and a retirement plan. Awkward 14-year-olds don't have those things.

I'm surrounded by the "external evidence" that I'm in this stage of life, but for some reason my brain can't reconcile that evidence with my perception of myself.

So I end up here, looking at pictures of these little people who call me Mom, and discussing psychological phenomena on a blog.

Crazy. But good.